Assault Case - My Office Lau Hiao

Today i very the cham….. my office Lau Hiao wear this blouse tat show her cleavage whenever she bends down. Not only can I see the “long-kang” of her droopy neh neh, I can see all the way to her skin coloured bra (bet you its 4 pieces for $10, made in China brand type!).

To make it lagi 倒霉, apparantly Lao Hiao never apply powder at her neh neh evenly, there is patch of caked-up powder right in between her cleavage. i tried to avoid it, but suay suay kena tis visual assault..

Plus lagi cham, lagi 倒霉 today being a slow office day, everybody being so free - Lau Hiao kept coming to my desk to talk cock.

i pretended to be busy just to avoid my eyes being blinded by that horrible sight of Lau Hiao cleavage.

Originally I wanted surf some sexy sites, but I decided against it. I am afraid tat sekali I ill feel aroused and start rubbing my dick subconsciously. What if Lau Hiao happen see tat and think tat i kena mesmerize by her neh neh .... she may just pulled up her skirt and “ka kui kui” (leg open) to purposely show me "zaogeng". if that happens, appetite for lunch surely gone.

My Office Lau Hiao ever told me she that she sometimes wear g-string. And she proudly mentioned that the g-string is so thin that its almost like dental floss.

(I candidly told her tat white messy 'CB hair' peeking out of a lau kway bu's g-string is a "horror show". I meant it. But Lau Hiao apparently think that it is a joke!)

Now my office Lau Hiao is a character. She is in her mid to late forties but dresses like a siao mei mei (little gal). Once she came prancing and skipping into the office wearing a short mini flared out skirt. I prayed tat office fan would not billow and blow up her skirt. But it did. It revealed a panty with a cartoon character on it!

It is, I think (as I dare not look closely) Doraemon – known also as “xiao ding dang” in these parts. This is just great:  A comic "Xiao Ding Dang” pussy on a “Xiao Ting Tong” (crazy woman) pussy!

Lau Hiao also likes to stick out her tongue to act cute ......  dam disgusting. it literally give me goose bumps!

The Office Lau Hiao also got disgusting habits. She once wrapped up her sanitary pad --- shouldn’t she be menopausal at this age? ---- in a MacDonald’s hamburger wrapper. She place sanitary burger inside a paper bag and accidentally left it near the office pantry waste bin. Office coffee lady saw it and picked it up. She asked whose MacDonald’s tah bao does it belongs to. Cheapskate Andrew, my office colleague, say that it is his …. and he got a free “Happy Meal” as his reward! (Deserved it you cheapskate bastard!)

Definition of a Lao Hero (The "uncle" hero)

In my work place I have been called "Lau Hero". Normally the word 'hero' denotes a positive attribute - one tat is has the higher moral standard than those tat surround him - and tat he has to lift up to that moral standard even if its to his own personal detriment.

But in my personal life, where got so chim. For a flippant, immoral guy who life's pursuit is 'pleasure of the flesh' - the "heroic" properties take on another life dimension.

A lao hero is one who is simply daring - almost foolhardy. He can't be assed about what others' think of him. Most probably the lao hero is so densed that he doesn't even know or care that others are laugh AT him anyway!

(A foolhardy is person who gambles his life savings on a football bet. He is confident because an Indian Fortune Teller Bird, (named Mani) "revealed" to him the winning team ........

talking abt Mani and foolishly following its advice, ....... hmmmm wonder how "Kentucky Fried Parrot" taste likes......   

At work, when the boss gives an unreasonable order or made a stupid comment - you can rely on the fact the Lao Hero will open his CB mouth to pass a remark or suggestion. And you can bet his remarks -suggestions will be even dumber than the bosses' comments. (The Lao hero thinks that the shaking of one's head, or slapping of the palms of the forehead and chorus of "wah lan-wah liao" are analoguous to applause)

Other derring do of a Lau Hero involve simple things. Such as like during 'mah-jong' when got "Kou-cheong", the lao hero is expected to discard the the 'forbidden mahjong card' and has to pay for everyone game.

The Lau hero is also the aging romeo. It is particularly funny if he plays the romeo on a "lau hiao" ("no spring chicken" - aging aunty looking bitch who still dresses provocatively).

Good luck to you if you happen to catch a zaogeng, upskirt or peekaboo of a lau hiao. Its dam disgusting and a nightmare. (Even Lao heros are advised not to throw the "forbidden mahjong card" if he accidently see a Lao Hiao's panties.).

The Lao Hero is also famous for his fashion faux pas. For example , this uncle's Fashion sense so lao-yah, tat even ah soh at market comment my colour combination.

I once wore an Orange T-shirt with Green Bermudas and blue slippers which invited an ah soh to remark tat my dressing "cannot match".

What is ridiculous is tat the ah soh who made this comment thinks tat to douse oneself with hong u is the same as spraying yourself with perfume. The bitch actually thinks tat "hong u" is like Chanel No 5 perfume - she literally doused herself with "hong u" and think she smell good.

Anyway I am cheapskate. I thot if got headache, i need only to go near her and smell her - save money as no need to buy hong u medicated oil. But KNS (which means "Kan Na Sai" or "like shit" literally) .... what I didn't realise is tat everyone got personal bawu  - and that when combined wrongly (with hong u) emit a smell worse than shit. The first time i sniffed the aunty because I want to save money on Hong U, I vomitted.

Now that you know what a lau hero is, I will tell you about how i lived up to my billing as a lau hero....... stay tuned folks!

The "Give Me Free I Aso Don't Want" Syndrome

Okay, i have often encountered this "Give Me Free I Also Don't Want" Syndrome in my cheong circles - sorry Olive (my Gf) - your baby is a lil naughty sometimes - as they say: "Nan Ren Bu Huai, Nu Ren Bu Ai" (woman love a Bad Boy).

What is the GMFIADW Syndrome? It is basically, a rating for a girls' appearance. If the gals do not light my fire (which is very very subjective), some men would invariably go  - "wah lao, look like monkey - GMFIADW". (In other words, if the 'ugly' looking gal proffered them her love-hole, they would reject it outright).

This is to as if to convey tat they got 'standards'. As if their little didi is discerning and want only the best.

Sometimes it becomes ludicrous. When Ris Low was Miss Singapore, got several friends of mine say she so ugly, GMFIADW. The same guys also say tat the present Miss Singapore look like a trans (now tis is something i agree - but if she "gives" me, I take.

Come on, I am so low class tat as long as it is a woman, i can consider. Once I even buaya a kopi tiam aunty beer promoter, and she actually took out her dentures when she gives me BJ.!

Now for those GMFIADW people, if you look like Brad Pitt, i will lan lan just shuddup. But KNN, some of the people who made comment this shud take a look in the mirror.

The most incredible case is a friend of mine with a comb-over so bad, pot belly like eight months pregnants, sweat stained shirt, smoke stained teeth, and spurts of hair on his lips he called a 'moustache' can also pass the GMFIADW comment for Ris Low.

You may say that maybe he got money - but he hasn't. He free-loads ciggy and folds arm whenever bill comes ......I scarcastically say everytime bills come - "sir stamford raffles will make is his appearance soon".

So please ah, gentleman, next time before you say GMFIADW, look again in the mirror:

* If your man-boobs bigger than B cup size bra, got less hair than Zidine Zidane, got more pock marks and craters than mark lee, got a more  Lao Lan face than Cao Guo Hui, dick shorter than sushi roll .... or all of the above .......

if ever the gal is so stupid as to offer her love-hole. grab it and be thankful .... u just tiok lottery!

(* does not apply to monied dudes - you can have all of the above plus BO & flatulance problem also okay. not only will be ladies, but i will aso call u charming ..... dam boot-licker i am!)

My Very First Phone Sex

Yesterday I had my very first "Phone Sex "with my Girl Friend, Olive.

The contents of which are posted below:

When i called olive, these are the first words she uttered:

Olive: "CB Kia, you promised to ta-bao porridge for me but forget. i hungry liao waiting for you".

(Olive was on MC (sick-leave) and convalscing at home. And yes, "CB Kia" were indeed the first Term of Endearment she use on me.)

Me: "dear dear me never forget. just left work only (i lied). u know tat my boss target underperforming staff and micro-manage them wat"

(true. but apparently not for me tis month. if me not considered underperforming then my company sibei jialat)

Me: "but u say u feeling better wat .... anyway wat porridge u want, i go to 长城 (near smith street) all the way for u okay?"

(me thinks: ..... please don't say okay, as i frankly sian to take taxi to go there all the way - and some more so "ex" the food).

Olive: "never mind lah. by the time wait for u buy, i starve and die. i already eat toast and milo."

Me:: "Milo and toast enuff? u so thin still eat so little, wait prata neh neh also disappear"

(yes, olive's neh neh worst than mosquito bites - like two pieces of prata stuck onto her chest like tat. and its prata without egg some more!)

Olive: (laughs) "u eat already or not? i watching YOG closing ceremony on tv"

Me: "u got 'oh yeh. oh yeh. oh yeh. HEY!' or not?"

Olive: "ceremony finish liao. hey, i thot u coming over to my place to see me. i still not 100% okay"

(Olive, tho feeling better, is not 100% recovered from her fever)

Me: "all the way just to see yur beautiful face .... will do so darling ......"

Olive: "kns ...... no need lah"

(women ah, just love to hear sweet words, even if it is obviously a lie. i say such "beautiful words because i wanted to get Olive in the mood).

Me: "but when i tink of your sweet beauty i suddenly arouse leh ...... wanna talk dirty with me?"

Olive: "u 发疯 (go mad) ah. got bitten by mad dog? see yur lao hiao colleague zaogeng is it?"

(in my office got a bladdy lao hiao colleague - late forties dress so short, make up like as if Peking Opera troop. one fine day, she accidently zaogeng, i saw china made grandma panties probably bought from lelong at pasir malam..... it cud be worse, she cud be wearing g-string ..... (vomit!))

Me: "don't spoil my dirty thots for u baby with the image of tat hiao bitch ..... i just wanna put my dick in yur mouth"

(i thot it is best to be direct and talk dirty to olive in my sexy "deep voice" - i purposely 'kek' my voice to sound macho. but i tink i sound like those ah qua at orchard towers)

Olive: (laughs) "i eat toast only, nothing caught my teeth, so don't need toothpick"

(yes, olive just referred my dick as "toothpick" size .... which is fairly accurate .... afterall Olive can still nag me while administering a BJ)

Me: "be serious bitch ... or else i spank u"

Olive: "oooooo ...... so caveman. i like."

(tis was said in a scarcastic tone not a sexy sultry way).

Me: "wah say, talk like tat lembek liao ...... come on make some sexy moans for me ...."

Olive: "okay ...... oooohhh ..... ooohhhh .... give it to me ....... oooh ...... oooh .....)

(the bladdy "oooooooh ..... oooooh" sound Olive makes is not sexy. its like the sound a gorilla makes)

Me: "okay, mood gone liao"

with tat it concludes my first "phone sex" with Olive ...... oooh oooh oooh indeed ..... sheeeezzzzz!