Olive & her G-String ~ hilarious!

First of all, why do they call it G-String? What is the "G"? Does it stand for "Groin" or "Genitalia"?

I think the "G" here stands for "Gross" .... especially if a guy wears it.

Now let's imagine if a guy is to wear a G-String .. the string will obviously NOT adequately cover his balls, and for most men, their the G-String should barely conceal his shaft (penis) as well.....

(Don't fret if you are one of those men whose penis is so small that it can be obscured by the thin G-String, .... simply tell your lover that your reed thin kuku is a straw, and when she sucks or drinks from it, you can simply Come Inside her Mouth and give her a refreshing "Salted Soya Bean" Drink.

If your balls are hairy, lagi best, call it "Salted Soya Bean Drink" decorated with a Rambutan skin garnish .... you can call this special con-COCK-tion, "Fly's Eyes" ........ don't you think that a G-String when strategically placed in the middle of your testicles will make it look like the Eyes of a Fly?

Anyway, I had this indescretion once and as a momento, I kept my partner's G-String panties. Of course keeping such a item runs the risk of Olive (my girlfriend) discovering it.

I have mentally prepared a contingency plan. Should this event occur, I will remain calm and not try to put up a poor excuse. I would simply say that the G-String belongs to my mom. I would ask in an indignant tone:" What makes you think a sixty plus years old cannot wear G-string?"

Anyway, it is simply inconceivable to imagine olive walking over to my mom and ask her: "Aunty ah, u got wear g-string ..."

If Olive ever does that, I will surely be busted. I am sure that my mom cannot imagine how skimpy an underwear can be. She will probably think that the G-String is just like an extra large tampon. (Mom will think that, as her santitory napkin is the size of a Big Mac!)

Now Olive herself is no fan of G-String. To wear a g-string, you need ass (or bumper) ~ "you know cushion for the pushin'".

Well if you have been following my blog, you would know that Olive do not have "Headlights" (breast), but thankfully Olive's ass is not totally flat thank. Some cushion for the pushin'.

Woman with good headlights (boobs) and bumper (ass) and cushion is reckoned to be like luxurious car. For Olive, having a only skinny body frame plus a small ass for cushion means that Olive is just like a bicycle.!

The bicycle analogy is very appropriate, for when I am in the throes of an orgasm, my legs make this involuntary twitching motion as if I am peddaling a bike. (It could be worse, I once witnessed my friend do the "frog swimming" - breaststroke leg kicking motion as he is about to cum. Since he looks like a toad, I playfully nicknamed him, the "Frog Prince")

Like I said, Olive does not like wearing G-string which she says is very uncomfortable.

It doesn't help matters when I gave her a wedgie as a little prank. I had mistakenly thought that since a gal has got no balls, how to feel pain when I do the wedgie .... (Olive got her revenge however, during foreplay she pretend she wanted to ass-rim me ~ lick my ass ~ instead she poured some medicated oil down my anus!

As a public service, let me please warn you not to try this i.e. pour medicated oil down your anus. Its feels like you put a burning charcoal up your ass. Its so bad that I have to "tilt" my buttock cheek one side when I sit down as if waitng for a fart to come!)

Anyway, I had tried to make Olive overcome her aversion to G-String by showing her some Japanese porn. But she is not convinced.

Refering to the porn, Olive remarked: "this is bladdy unrealistic, how can the girl feel excited when the dam man use the g-string and "floss" her vulva. Don't tell me when you floss teeth you can feel orgasmic one ah ....".

Olive's Blow Job skills

Different women have different approaches and techniques for Blow Jobs.

Usually "conservative girls think that it is unhygenic and refuse to administer one.

Talking about conservative, I used to date a girl who is so prudish that she thinks reading FHM is like viewing porn.


One day at Orchard Road, I saw a braless angmo lady. I can see her nipples clearly through her blouse. I made a comment that the angmo lady nipple is very pointy and that it can poke your eyes if you are not careful. My lady went very quiet and hardly talked to me for the rest of the evening. When finally confronted what was wrong, she said that my comment about the braless lady is so disgusting. Alamak, when I heard that, I nearly faint. Like that already cannot ~ how to show her porn. I think if I showed her porn she would engage a ‘tang ki’ (exorcist) to cast the demon out of me.

Even in the act of BJ, got all sorts. One of my previous girl friend is amazing, my kuku haven’t even gone past her teeth when she already started to gag macham as if she kena strangle like that. I went a little further in and gagging sound she made is so loud that it becomes a turn off (the gagging “arrruuug” sound is as if you are about to vomit). She actually even said that my rice size dick is so big! She must have small oesophagus or a very sensitive gag reflex.

Now this is in contrast with my present gf, Olive. When she bj me, she took in my entire tool without any problem. After the act, I jokingly asked her whether she was a circus performer in her previous life, and if so, she must be a sword swallower.

Olive chio ka peng, she said, “you call your dick sword ah …. More like tooth pick …. I can suck chupa chup (lollypop) while blowing you … wanna bet?”.

My ego dented, I took up on her challenge one day. Sad to say, Olive won. Not only did Olive bj while sucking a chupa chup, she can also talk while at it.

(I told Olive that when she ever give birth, the baby should come out of her mouth rather than her CB!).

I have an Internet "makeover"

I have got a distinct impression that worldwide web is similar to the real world. That people tend to gravitate towards glamour and status and not the "content of one's character" (to paraphrase the eloquant Dr. Martin Luther King).

In my Facebook account, I have appended the following picture in my "picture profile":

with the following bio-data:

"A rascal and a slacker.in other words, i am bart simpson's adult alter ego. I am also imbued with a strong sense of wanderlust. Or as my mum puts it: "a good for nothing aimless bastard". (she also adds 'get out of the house' after these words)


Okay so what if Wayne "Shrek" Rooney looks handsome if standing beside me ... i have other redeeming features:

i am kind, lovable, self deprecatory, funny (and not talking abt my looks), generous (when i have $$) and accepting .... i take you as you are (unless you are a transexual who has a bigger d**k than me)"

I then invited ten persons (five male and five female) to be my friend. Out this only two persons responded. Both guys. And one of them later would "un-friend" me.

Now I will tweak my profile just a tad. By a tad, I mean just putting up a different picture in my profile and by inserting in the following "pretentious" words.

"The picture is obviously not of me. It is a manifestation of what I think of myself presently.



I am a 'faceless' angel who wants to help make your life just that a little bit better. If it is within my powers, I will do so unconditionally. Write me."

I have not tested the whether this 'change' will generate a better response in terms of getting people to accept "ansonsohna" as a friend. But I somehow think that it should.

Now what is exciting here is that both of the pictures are but different visual expressions of the "same me". They are both fictional constructs emanating from my mind. 

Will the 'angel' picture and the "obtuse" hip-sounding  (but ultimately meaningless) messagefare better? Do people respond to facades?

Tell you what you think? And what will be the likely result ......

An Extremely Embarrassing Rainy Weather Day for me

Today as you know, is raining cats and dogs - and another slow day at the office.

In the midst of generally doing nothing, our Office Lau Hiao, out of blue, said loudly:
"wah ..... rainy weather so shoik to sleep and cuddle".

I replied: "your bed got a lot of soft toys one ah?"

(Now when I said this, it was not to intentionally poke fun of her - it just came out of my mouth, purely inoncent remark I swear!)

Everyone at the office laughed.

In response, Lau Hiao sexily flicked her hair backward (preening gesture eeeks!) and said:
".... you think I cannot get a man is it? ..... I tell you when I turn on my charm, no man can resist me".

to which I scarcastically mumbled:
".... especially when she wears her "Xiao Ding Dang" panties....."

Story Context from an earlier posting on this blog

This comment is probably the biggest mistake that I will make today (keeping my fingers crossed and scratching my balls for luck).

Lau Hiao replied:
"wah say, u peeping tom, how else you know what panties i wear ...."

Everyone, and I mean everyone, laughed at me terok terok ..... ......

Even my weak attempts at a come back "... at least Xiao Ding Dang panties better than you going commando" got drown out in the sea of laughter.

This is indeed a ludicrous situation: a forty plus lady who 'admits' wearing a Xiao Ding Dang panties did not get teased but instead the butt of jokes was directed at me.

sigh ... what a start to the day.

(As of now, barely one hour ago since that fateful "Xiao Ding Dang" remarks, I already got the following smart aleck comments:
 
1)  Raj (from India): "What colour of panties did she wear today?"
 
2)  Ugly Admin gal, Alice: "... you got buy her Xiao Ding Dang soft toy ah ...." (bladdy bitch always gives non sequitor remarks.)
 
3)  Spineless Superior:  "... focus on work not on her panties ah ....."
 
4)  Padawan Patma (my mentee) - did not say much, but caught out by me for snickering a few times.
 
Only the Ruffian Chao Ah Beng, TC (whom I occasionally go cheonging with) came to my side. (His remarks are very crude, so I shall leave a few spaces in between in case you don't want to read)
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(no other posting here except for crude words of TC)
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"Chee Bye Lao Hiao, cheng Xiao Ding Dang ter kor, bo kia yi eh meow kah yi eh nua chee bye ..."  
(translated from Hokkien: "The Cunt of an Old Hag, wear "Xiao Ding Dang" underwear, not scared the cat (i.e. Xiao Ding Dang is a cat) bite her rotting cunt".

I sense a messy Love Triangle brewing (warning: topless pic)

Despite my loud posturing and loose tongue (sounds like a rock star ah!), I am actually quite a sensitive soul. I am also a little romantic at my very core.

This posting here (in this blog) is the very first time I am wearing my heart on my sleeve in 'public sphere'. I am extracting my thots and feelings right out from my heart and into the public sphere of the internet.

There are TWO gals that I really really care about.

Girl Friend Number One:

Olive:  She is my current girl friend. Although she too a loud mouth and given to "suaning" me, I know that in the deepest recesses of her heart, she cares deeply for me. I dare say that she loves me. Okay, we know from reading my past posting here that she is not exactly beautiful - not ugly, just plain.

Girl Friend (Potentially) Number Two:

Sammi:  Although we are not officially an item yet - I am confident that she and I will develop some kind of relationship. I just know it from my pure gut, visceral feeling and intuition. Also my heart tells me that it is to be.

I have chronicled how my lust had turned into a massive crush on Sammi and evolving into ~ perhaps ~ love).

Chronicles of Sammi - whom I termed as my "real life Fantasy Gal" in a sex website. (I am considering on whether to post a link for the Full story - from how I accidently saw her making love with her then boy friend, to my mini flirtations with her and subsequently the falling into "like". From Lust to Like to (perhaps) Love. I hesitate because there are some sexy pics of sammi there - face obscure so no one would recognise her)

Now Sammi is a different league. She is voluptous and extremely sensual. How can Sammi not be? Afterall she is "body model". What set her apart is not her physical attributes. It is her kind and gentle soul. For a person who is accustomed to having truck loads of men fawning and chasing after her, she remained truly humble and sweet. I am not lying when I say tat she is the most gentle soul i know (not to mentioned the prettiest and sexiest person I ever known in real life).

Now don't get me wrong .... I am no saint. If Sammi wants me - I am gladly hers..... (but there is a big "BUT") ... but I also do care and love Olive too!  

Remember the song: "The One You Love"

Words & Lyrics to the Song (taken from Youtube)

Olive represents the "One Who Loves You" whereas Sammi is the "One You Love" .....

I know that I cannot "straddle two ships" and must give up one of them in order to be fair.

Sammi and myself are not a couple yet. In a 'rational' world, I should just nip the problem in the bud and proceed no further. But then again - how can that be. The "what if" and realization of an ultimate fantasy ~ even though it may hurt me (and perhaps Olive) are compelling pulls.

But mostly, it is Sammi herself (intrinsically the person) that draws me to her. It like being caught up in a situation of being in a relationship when someone "perfect" comes along. Do you stay contented or do you risk all - for that chance (albeit however small) for something special.

I admit that I do not have the answer presently - but I know what my heart (and loins) wants - and that is sammi.

(Stay Tune Folks)

Big Boss around so all act busy

Our company's big boss was at the office. He is a no nonsense chap with a stern demeanor. He is the sort of person who "bo cheo" (never laugh). We always talk behind his back that he didn't get any last nite.....

Whenever boss is not around, leaving my immediate superior to be in charge, office really "bo cheng hu" (no government). We literally climb over his head. We would go for long lunches and do our own 'personal admin' (like paying bills, shopping, haircuts etc .....)

But when big boss is around, we all like m-i-c-k-e-y .... m-o-u-s-e like tat. We also have to act busy. 

As a result of the tyrant's presence, my office routine kena disrupted.

Now, I have a habit. I usually during office hours always go pang sai. And my pang sai session is at least half an hour long. Everytime i will kena suan when i return after depositing.

Office Lau Hiao will suan me tat i "shit gold", and announced to everyone "Mr. Poh Heng (a goldsmith shop in Singapore) finally come liao .....  I got my revenge one day. I dipped my hand in nut-teller chocolate spread, pretended that it is shit, walked up to Lao Hiao and say, "here, Poh Heng "Gold"-finger give you a present." I then use my chocolate covered fingers to purposely touch her ...... Lau Hiao's "you disgusting creature" and screams are like music to my ears!

Anyway, since Big Boss around, we are desk bound. So we would communicate by using email:

Don't know why but I find Office Lao Hiao email exchange particularly funny.

This is what we exchanged.


Lau Hiao: " ....(becos of boss at office) .... missed my nail spa appointment at two. Maybe I should tell manicurist to shape my nails like claws ....."

Me: "lucky i don't have nails like claws nor have a habit of scratch balls like Will (our colleague) ..... sekali accidently kena "sunat' (circumcision)"

Lao Hiao: "Scratch Balls William" tis morning served boss coffee. Wonder if he dipped his fingers in it" ...
 
opps boss walking towards my direction ....
 

I saw my Uncle at a Health Centre

Now most people would die of shame if they were "caught out" when they are committing some kind of "indiscretion". Imagine if you were caught by your relatives or your wife's relatives whilest indulging in some 'forbidden' delights. That is why you see some very hilarious sights if you staked out at love hotels. The man and gal will not walk together. Often the man (or sometimes the gal) would walks just in front and walking a few short steps away is their partners in crime. My friends call this phenomenon - "the walk of shame" ....

Alamak ... its sometimes soooo obvious that it is embarassing. My take is tat if u kena caught out, just treat it like a matter of fact - don't deny or act pai say. Just calmly state the fact that you accompany yur boss and/or customer and that he is at the room presently. Don't dwell on it. Most people treat episodes of indiscretion as personal secret between the both of you - not to be shared with outsiders. It is like an unspoken code of conduct amongst cheongsters.


This being said, i have, in fact, met several of my uncles at HC (Health Centres) and even once at GL (legal house) before. What to do, we have the same horny genes what ....

One particular uncle i met at a Health Centre dam funny. He sebei pai say when he saw me there. During Chinese New Year, he would always act goody goody as he is a teacher with two kids (my coz 12 & 13 yrs old ). My uncle is always telling them some chinese folk tales with moral message.

Anyway, when my uncle saw me at waiting area at a Health Centre (FYI, it Leisure Health Centre at Bikit Timah). He was shocked. I saw him literally gave a small jump (or jerk).

My uncle next pretended tat he got back ache and that he needed massage (he wayang put his hand on his back as if in pain). I comforted my uncle. I told him that Health Centre "special" can cure back ache. They massage u from your "front" and your back ache magically disappear.

Bladdy uncle act blur and ask wat is 'special".

I said that special is when they massage u like tat (i clench my fist and make a "wanking" action with my fist). He mummbled a quiet 'oh' and blushed. Later he sheepishly told me not to tell aunty tat i saw him here.

I am a good nephew. I assured my uncle tat i am not busy body. i even give him a reco so tat next time he will have a better experience - my uncle btw was given a lousy masseuse - ugly and clock watcher. I had tried her before - she is one stop short of looking like an "ah qua" (transexual) with a botched up sex change op.

PS: ..... and i was dam tempted to tell him to write an Field Report at one of those sex forums.

Making Love to Olive after two long weeks of "abstinence"

Since this blog is started only on August, readers may not know much about Olive. She is my girl friend.

Now Olive is a tall gal - but she is hellava skinny. I like to tease her tat her neh-neh is so flat - like roti prata (and without egg some more). In fact, i commented that my ah pui cousin's man boobs is bigger than hers.

Olive in turn likes to comment on my receding hairline and my pathetic attempts at a combover (told me not to waste time - simply use kiwi shoe polish to go over the bald spots).

Olive also harps on about my looks or lack of it thereof. She says tat even Wayne Rooney is handsomer than me. (Now THAT is an insult, how can that Shrek lookalike be better looking than yours truly?).

Olive also likes to pick on my dress sense. She says: "pull your pants any higher up your waist you won't be needing a belt - but a dog collar".

Anyway the backdrop of today's post is tat Olive has got the flu bug since last two weeks. As a result she has not been getting "it".  Now that she has convalesced and feeling better, she wants some groin action.

We had a hurried dinner and went back to her place. We tongued and smooched ... (thankfully Olive had her braces removed. I remember the first time we kissed. Olive had a set of chompers that can "grate coconuts". It pretty much like when you have the chinese restuarant dinner and order grouper fish - yup looks like tis..

Normally frenching is a sexy experience for us, but don't know why this time i found it very ticklish .... i giggled like a girl. Olive, whispered for me to shut up, and promptly used her index fingers to flick at my balls (know the term - 'kooti'?)

It worked like a charmed. It suppressed my giggly instincts.

Next in the foreplay menu comes the body massage (like those in Thailand's "ap nam" - turkish bath). Olive used her tits to rub over all my body. Surprisingly it felt good. I can see and feel Olive's nipple swelling. Olive's breast now looks like fired eggs, sunny side up.

At first impluse, I wanted to twist and turn her nipples as if tuning a radio. But I decide against it. I learnt from reading a women's mag that gals hate this ..... and i am afraid Olive might just retaliate by using my cock as if like "a plunger unclogging a choked sink" when she administers a handjob on me. (Come on, our Love making SOP - Standard Operating Procedure. After doing "the plumber" - I would then lick Olive's pussy exactly 15 times, she would usually shiver a little and then i put my dick inside her. 10 short stokes later, i would ejaculate.)

But tonight, given that Olive is feeling particularly randy, i decided to go off our usual SOP. err.. maybe like lick her 16 times instead of 15 ...... nope, i decided to give me more foreplay until she begs me to penetrate her.

I decided to literally seduce her from top to toe. Yes, I am being very literal here. I patted Olive on top of her head to 'start' my seduction (i intend to end my session by licking her toes: see .... top to toe seduction huh ...).

In my deepest, sexiest voice I told Olive to "close your eyes - and as preventive measure also take out contact lens as i might lick your eye lids".

Surprising Olive demurred and have none of the verbal comeback.

Taking my Top to Toe technique literally, after patting Olive's head, i started licking Olive's forehead. How was I to know tat forehead licking not sexy - sometimes when i do the homer simpson and smash my palms on my forehead and go "doh"! - sensation quite shoik what.

"what are doing? .... why got so much saliva one ... dripping down my eye you know" Olive said.

As she uttered these words, she opened her eyes and lifted her head.

Olive's sudden 'jerk' of her head as she lifted her head was timed to perfection. Her forehead hit the bottom of my chin as just as i was licking her. Forehead hit chin. Chin hit mouth. Mouth slammed shut suddenly just as I was licking. I accidently bit my tongue.

Blood started oozing ....

"Sorry sorry dear dear, i don't mean it" said olive after surveying my injury.

"wah liao, like that cannot lick you down there ......" (btw, I once described the experience of licking down there as - "smells like fish, taste like 100 plus")

 "Never mind. I give you handjob and you quickly enter", Olive said.

Next thing I know, its "the Plumber".

Skipping the usual "15 licks", I ploughed my little kuku jiao into Olive's surprisingly wet love hole.

Few a short stroke later - i came.

And the last words before I came: "better faster come. i can taste the blood in my mouth already ...... and it is not mesus"