Office Decorum

Today we had a close to two hour lecture by boss on office decorum.

What happened was that office Chao Ah Beng found a "unidentified" sports bag sitting on his desk for a good part of the day. Annoyed, he opened it to see who the culprit was.

Like a hero, ignoring the possible viral and bacterial ramifications, Chao Ah Beng picked up the white cotton granny panties inside the bag and walked around the office (two fingers of both clutching at the ends of the panty). He walked around, displaying the panty macham like "Show and Tell" and said:
"Whose TOWEL is it ah?"

Ah Beng kia literally walked round the office like a proverbial gangster, carrying the panties by his fingers and asked around in a very beng manner time and again - "whose towel is this" to all and sundry. He even went to the office "pondan" (whom i fondly nick named "Tiffany" - after the thailand's ladyboy show) - and asked him - "your towel ah?"

I asked ah beng how come he never ask the office kopi aunty whether the panty belongs to her. His reply: "aunty so old where got wear panty?". In his mind adult diapers does not exist - for him, the panty is just a piece of clothing to hold in place the sanitory pad!

Acutally the scene is very funny when you witnessed it. But apparantly the rather plumb accounts gal took offence (as the panty was hers). She subsequently complained to boss about sexual harrassessment!

Because of that, we kena long lecture from boss (and Ah Beng kena issued a warning letter!).

While boss is lecturing about office decorum, he illustrated the point that what if customer or third party come to our office and witnessed ah beng walking round with panties in his hands. "People will think what kind of organisation I am running?" Boss said.

The above sceanrio painted by boss is so funny that I and Lao Hiao tak boleh tahan. We laughed out loud even though this is a serious "lecture" session.

We were both rebuked and kena cited as examples of poor Office Decorum. Boss said that we talk is like fishmongers at a market or as if a husband and wife quarreling .... vey unbecoming, especially in office!

After the long lecture, we did our our "post mortum" of boss harsh words.

I said if only panty got "xiao ding dang" picture we know whose panty it belongs to and we would be spared the scolding.

We gossip that the plump accounts girl who complained must be withheld sex the other nite.

I also chided Ah Beng for being insensitive - say "whose handkerchief instead of whose towel lah!".

Our Indian Foreign Talent, Pushpam (nick named "Sperm"), acutally suggested to next time pin the panty on the office notice board so that people would know whose bag this belongs.

I don't believe what i am hearing, Sperm is actually serious in his suggestion! Why must pin clothing or anything inside the bag. Can't we actually put a notice and indicate that the sports bags is under so-and-so care? With brain like that no wonder office chaotic!

With the lecture, the current "buzzword" in our office is now "DECORUM". Its "decorum this" and "decorum that".

I saw Lao Hiao eating and chewing (dam disgusting, look like cow chewing grass the way the mouth and jaw move from side to side) - i told her to chew properly, office decorum - don't want third party to see that we have cow in the office.

Office Xiao Mei Mei also not spared. She has this small soft toy thingy attached to her handbag - I told her, "decorum - staff toy for is bed room. You think come office to koon (sleep) is it? ...." This comment elicited laughter - everybody here at one time or another have actually koon on the job before.

Our office progressive and very international - we got "siesta" (afternoon nap) as our work culture .... only other organisation that i know of in Singapore got this siesta culture is the Singapore Armed Forces! 
The decorum comments actually went out of hand I feel. Lao Hiao went up to a quiet 'mind my own business' chap in our office and pointing to his combover - balding pate worse than mine - and said insensitively: "decorum - cut your hair - you botak (bald) but little hair you got very long. Hair flip here flip there. Wait third party come to office and think our staff are all members of a boy band!"

Got lots more 'decorum' comment - but will continue later - must pretend to work - decorum mah!

Olive & her G-String ~ hilarious!

First of all, why do they call it G-String? What is the "G"? Does it stand for "Groin" or "Genitalia"?

I think the "G" here stands for "Gross" .... especially if a guy wears it.

Now let's imagine if a guy is to wear a G-String .. the string will obviously NOT adequately cover his balls, and for most men, their the G-String should barely conceal his shaft (penis) as well.....

(Don't fret if you are one of those men whose penis is so small that it can be obscured by the thin G-String, .... simply tell your lover that your reed thin kuku is a straw, and when she sucks or drinks from it, you can simply Come Inside her Mouth and give her a refreshing "Salted Soya Bean" Drink.

If your balls are hairy, lagi best, call it "Salted Soya Bean Drink" decorated with a Rambutan skin garnish .... you can call this special con-COCK-tion, "Fly's Eyes" ........ don't you think that a G-String when strategically placed in the middle of your testicles will make it look like the Eyes of a Fly?

Anyway, I had this indescretion once and as a momento, I kept my partner's G-String panties. Of course keeping such a item runs the risk of Olive (my girlfriend) discovering it.

I have mentally prepared a contingency plan. Should this event occur, I will remain calm and not try to put up a poor excuse. I would simply say that the G-String belongs to my mom. I would ask in an indignant tone:" What makes you think a sixty plus years old cannot wear G-string?"

Anyway, it is simply inconceivable to imagine olive walking over to my mom and ask her: "Aunty ah, u got wear g-string ..."

If Olive ever does that, I will surely be busted. I am sure that my mom cannot imagine how skimpy an underwear can be. She will probably think that the G-String is just like an extra large tampon. (Mom will think that, as her santitory napkin is the size of a Big Mac!)

Now Olive herself is no fan of G-String. To wear a g-string, you need ass (or bumper) ~ "you know cushion for the pushin'".

Well if you have been following my blog, you would know that Olive do not have "Headlights" (breast), but thankfully Olive's ass is not totally flat thank. Some cushion for the pushin'.

Woman with good headlights (boobs) and bumper (ass) and cushion is reckoned to be like luxurious car. For Olive, having a only skinny body frame plus a small ass for cushion means that Olive is just like a bicycle.!

The bicycle analogy is very appropriate, for when I am in the throes of an orgasm, my legs make this involuntary twitching motion as if I am peddaling a bike. (It could be worse, I once witnessed my friend do the "frog swimming" - breaststroke leg kicking motion as he is about to cum. Since he looks like a toad, I playfully nicknamed him, the "Frog Prince")

Like I said, Olive does not like wearing G-string which she says is very uncomfortable.

It doesn't help matters when I gave her a wedgie as a little prank. I had mistakenly thought that since a gal has got no balls, how to feel pain when I do the wedgie .... (Olive got her revenge however, during foreplay she pretend she wanted to ass-rim me ~ lick my ass ~ instead she poured some medicated oil down my anus!

As a public service, let me please warn you not to try this i.e. pour medicated oil down your anus. Its feels like you put a burning charcoal up your ass. Its so bad that I have to "tilt" my buttock cheek one side when I sit down as if waitng for a fart to come!)

Anyway, I had tried to make Olive overcome her aversion to G-String by showing her some Japanese porn. But she is not convinced.

Refering to the porn, Olive remarked: "this is bladdy unrealistic, how can the girl feel excited when the dam man use the g-string and "floss" her vulva. Don't tell me when you floss teeth you can feel orgasmic one ah ....".

Olive's Blow Job skills

Different women have different approaches and techniques for Blow Jobs.

Usually "conservative girls think that it is unhygenic and refuse to administer one.

Talking about conservative, I used to date a girl who is so prudish that she thinks reading FHM is like viewing porn.


One day at Orchard Road, I saw a braless angmo lady. I can see her nipples clearly through her blouse. I made a comment that the angmo lady nipple is very pointy and that it can poke your eyes if you are not careful. My lady went very quiet and hardly talked to me for the rest of the evening. When finally confronted what was wrong, she said that my comment about the braless lady is so disgusting. Alamak, when I heard that, I nearly faint. Like that already cannot ~ how to show her porn. I think if I showed her porn she would engage a ‘tang ki’ (exorcist) to cast the demon out of me.

Even in the act of BJ, got all sorts. One of my previous girl friend is amazing, my kuku haven’t even gone past her teeth when she already started to gag macham as if she kena strangle like that. I went a little further in and gagging sound she made is so loud that it becomes a turn off (the gagging “arrruuug” sound is as if you are about to vomit). She actually even said that my rice size dick is so big! She must have small oesophagus or a very sensitive gag reflex.

Now this is in contrast with my present gf, Olive. When she bj me, she took in my entire tool without any problem. After the act, I jokingly asked her whether she was a circus performer in her previous life, and if so, she must be a sword swallower.

Olive chio ka peng, she said, “you call your dick sword ah …. More like tooth pick …. I can suck chupa chup (lollypop) while blowing you … wanna bet?”.

My ego dented, I took up on her challenge one day. Sad to say, Olive won. Not only did Olive bj while sucking a chupa chup, she can also talk while at it.

(I told Olive that when she ever give birth, the baby should come out of her mouth rather than her CB!).

I have an Internet "makeover"

I have got a distinct impression that worldwide web is similar to the real world. That people tend to gravitate towards glamour and status and not the "content of one's character" (to paraphrase the eloquant Dr. Martin Luther King).

In my Facebook account, I have appended the following picture in my "picture profile":

with the following bio-data:

"A rascal and a slacker.in other words, i am bart simpson's adult alter ego. I am also imbued with a strong sense of wanderlust. Or as my mum puts it: "a good for nothing aimless bastard". (she also adds 'get out of the house' after these words)


Okay so what if Wayne "Shrek" Rooney looks handsome if standing beside me ... i have other redeeming features:

i am kind, lovable, self deprecatory, funny (and not talking abt my looks), generous (when i have $$) and accepting .... i take you as you are (unless you are a transexual who has a bigger d**k than me)"

I then invited ten persons (five male and five female) to be my friend. Out this only two persons responded. Both guys. And one of them later would "un-friend" me.

Now I will tweak my profile just a tad. By a tad, I mean just putting up a different picture in my profile and by inserting in the following "pretentious" words.

"The picture is obviously not of me. It is a manifestation of what I think of myself presently.



I am a 'faceless' angel who wants to help make your life just that a little bit better. If it is within my powers, I will do so unconditionally. Write me."

I have not tested the whether this 'change' will generate a better response in terms of getting people to accept "ansonsohna" as a friend. But I somehow think that it should.

Now what is exciting here is that both of the pictures are but different visual expressions of the "same me". They are both fictional constructs emanating from my mind. 

Will the 'angel' picture and the "obtuse" hip-sounding  (but ultimately meaningless) messagefare better? Do people respond to facades?

Tell you what you think? And what will be the likely result ......

An Extremely Embarrassing Rainy Weather Day for me

Today as you know, is raining cats and dogs - and another slow day at the office.

In the midst of generally doing nothing, our Office Lau Hiao, out of blue, said loudly:
"wah ..... rainy weather so shoik to sleep and cuddle".

I replied: "your bed got a lot of soft toys one ah?"

(Now when I said this, it was not to intentionally poke fun of her - it just came out of my mouth, purely inoncent remark I swear!)

Everyone at the office laughed.

In response, Lau Hiao sexily flicked her hair backward (preening gesture eeeks!) and said:
".... you think I cannot get a man is it? ..... I tell you when I turn on my charm, no man can resist me".

to which I scarcastically mumbled:
".... especially when she wears her "Xiao Ding Dang" panties....."

Story Context from an earlier posting on this blog

This comment is probably the biggest mistake that I will make today (keeping my fingers crossed and scratching my balls for luck).

Lau Hiao replied:
"wah say, u peeping tom, how else you know what panties i wear ...."

Everyone, and I mean everyone, laughed at me terok terok ..... ......

Even my weak attempts at a come back "... at least Xiao Ding Dang panties better than you going commando" got drown out in the sea of laughter.

This is indeed a ludicrous situation: a forty plus lady who 'admits' wearing a Xiao Ding Dang panties did not get teased but instead the butt of jokes was directed at me.

sigh ... what a start to the day.

(As of now, barely one hour ago since that fateful "Xiao Ding Dang" remarks, I already got the following smart aleck comments:
 
1)  Raj (from India): "What colour of panties did she wear today?"
 
2)  Ugly Admin gal, Alice: "... you got buy her Xiao Ding Dang soft toy ah ...." (bladdy bitch always gives non sequitor remarks.)
 
3)  Spineless Superior:  "... focus on work not on her panties ah ....."
 
4)  Padawan Patma (my mentee) - did not say much, but caught out by me for snickering a few times.
 
Only the Ruffian Chao Ah Beng, TC (whom I occasionally go cheonging with) came to my side. (His remarks are very crude, so I shall leave a few spaces in between in case you don't want to read)
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(no other posting here except for crude words of TC)
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"Chee Bye Lao Hiao, cheng Xiao Ding Dang ter kor, bo kia yi eh meow kah yi eh nua chee bye ..."  
(translated from Hokkien: "The Cunt of an Old Hag, wear "Xiao Ding Dang" underwear, not scared the cat (i.e. Xiao Ding Dang is a cat) bite her rotting cunt".

I sense a messy Love Triangle brewing (warning: topless pic)

Despite my loud posturing and loose tongue (sounds like a rock star ah!), I am actually quite a sensitive soul. I am also a little romantic at my very core.

This posting here (in this blog) is the very first time I am wearing my heart on my sleeve in 'public sphere'. I am extracting my thots and feelings right out from my heart and into the public sphere of the internet.

There are TWO gals that I really really care about.

Girl Friend Number One:

Olive:  She is my current girl friend. Although she too a loud mouth and given to "suaning" me, I know that in the deepest recesses of her heart, she cares deeply for me. I dare say that she loves me. Okay, we know from reading my past posting here that she is not exactly beautiful - not ugly, just plain.

Girl Friend (Potentially) Number Two:

Sammi:  Although we are not officially an item yet - I am confident that she and I will develop some kind of relationship. I just know it from my pure gut, visceral feeling and intuition. Also my heart tells me that it is to be.

I have chronicled how my lust had turned into a massive crush on Sammi and evolving into ~ perhaps ~ love).

Chronicles of Sammi - whom I termed as my "real life Fantasy Gal" in a sex website. (I am considering on whether to post a link for the Full story - from how I accidently saw her making love with her then boy friend, to my mini flirtations with her and subsequently the falling into "like". From Lust to Like to (perhaps) Love. I hesitate because there are some sexy pics of sammi there - face obscure so no one would recognise her)

Now Sammi is a different league. She is voluptous and extremely sensual. How can Sammi not be? Afterall she is "body model". What set her apart is not her physical attributes. It is her kind and gentle soul. For a person who is accustomed to having truck loads of men fawning and chasing after her, she remained truly humble and sweet. I am not lying when I say tat she is the most gentle soul i know (not to mentioned the prettiest and sexiest person I ever known in real life).

Now don't get me wrong .... I am no saint. If Sammi wants me - I am gladly hers..... (but there is a big "BUT") ... but I also do care and love Olive too!  

Remember the song: "The One You Love"

Words & Lyrics to the Song (taken from Youtube)

Olive represents the "One Who Loves You" whereas Sammi is the "One You Love" .....

I know that I cannot "straddle two ships" and must give up one of them in order to be fair.

Sammi and myself are not a couple yet. In a 'rational' world, I should just nip the problem in the bud and proceed no further. But then again - how can that be. The "what if" and realization of an ultimate fantasy ~ even though it may hurt me (and perhaps Olive) are compelling pulls.

But mostly, it is Sammi herself (intrinsically the person) that draws me to her. It like being caught up in a situation of being in a relationship when someone "perfect" comes along. Do you stay contented or do you risk all - for that chance (albeit however small) for something special.

I admit that I do not have the answer presently - but I know what my heart (and loins) wants - and that is sammi.

(Stay Tune Folks)

Big Boss around so all act busy

Our company's big boss was at the office. He is a no nonsense chap with a stern demeanor. He is the sort of person who "bo cheo" (never laugh). We always talk behind his back that he didn't get any last nite.....

Whenever boss is not around, leaving my immediate superior to be in charge, office really "bo cheng hu" (no government). We literally climb over his head. We would go for long lunches and do our own 'personal admin' (like paying bills, shopping, haircuts etc .....)

But when big boss is around, we all like m-i-c-k-e-y .... m-o-u-s-e like tat. We also have to act busy. 

As a result of the tyrant's presence, my office routine kena disrupted.

Now, I have a habit. I usually during office hours always go pang sai. And my pang sai session is at least half an hour long. Everytime i will kena suan when i return after depositing.

Office Lau Hiao will suan me tat i "shit gold", and announced to everyone "Mr. Poh Heng (a goldsmith shop in Singapore) finally come liao .....  I got my revenge one day. I dipped my hand in nut-teller chocolate spread, pretended that it is shit, walked up to Lao Hiao and say, "here, Poh Heng "Gold"-finger give you a present." I then use my chocolate covered fingers to purposely touch her ...... Lau Hiao's "you disgusting creature" and screams are like music to my ears!

Anyway, since Big Boss around, we are desk bound. So we would communicate by using email:

Don't know why but I find Office Lao Hiao email exchange particularly funny.

This is what we exchanged.


Lau Hiao: " ....(becos of boss at office) .... missed my nail spa appointment at two. Maybe I should tell manicurist to shape my nails like claws ....."

Me: "lucky i don't have nails like claws nor have a habit of scratch balls like Will (our colleague) ..... sekali accidently kena "sunat' (circumcision)"

Lao Hiao: "Scratch Balls William" tis morning served boss coffee. Wonder if he dipped his fingers in it" ...
 
opps boss walking towards my direction ....
 

I saw my Uncle at a Health Centre

Now most people would die of shame if they were "caught out" when they are committing some kind of "indiscretion". Imagine if you were caught by your relatives or your wife's relatives whilest indulging in some 'forbidden' delights. That is why you see some very hilarious sights if you staked out at love hotels. The man and gal will not walk together. Often the man (or sometimes the gal) would walks just in front and walking a few short steps away is their partners in crime. My friends call this phenomenon - "the walk of shame" ....

Alamak ... its sometimes soooo obvious that it is embarassing. My take is tat if u kena caught out, just treat it like a matter of fact - don't deny or act pai say. Just calmly state the fact that you accompany yur boss and/or customer and that he is at the room presently. Don't dwell on it. Most people treat episodes of indiscretion as personal secret between the both of you - not to be shared with outsiders. It is like an unspoken code of conduct amongst cheongsters.


This being said, i have, in fact, met several of my uncles at HC (Health Centres) and even once at GL (legal house) before. What to do, we have the same horny genes what ....

One particular uncle i met at a Health Centre dam funny. He sebei pai say when he saw me there. During Chinese New Year, he would always act goody goody as he is a teacher with two kids (my coz 12 & 13 yrs old ). My uncle is always telling them some chinese folk tales with moral message.

Anyway, when my uncle saw me at waiting area at a Health Centre (FYI, it Leisure Health Centre at Bikit Timah). He was shocked. I saw him literally gave a small jump (or jerk).

My uncle next pretended tat he got back ache and that he needed massage (he wayang put his hand on his back as if in pain). I comforted my uncle. I told him that Health Centre "special" can cure back ache. They massage u from your "front" and your back ache magically disappear.

Bladdy uncle act blur and ask wat is 'special".

I said that special is when they massage u like tat (i clench my fist and make a "wanking" action with my fist). He mummbled a quiet 'oh' and blushed. Later he sheepishly told me not to tell aunty tat i saw him here.

I am a good nephew. I assured my uncle tat i am not busy body. i even give him a reco so tat next time he will have a better experience - my uncle btw was given a lousy masseuse - ugly and clock watcher. I had tried her before - she is one stop short of looking like an "ah qua" (transexual) with a botched up sex change op.

PS: ..... and i was dam tempted to tell him to write an Field Report at one of those sex forums.

Making Love to Olive after two long weeks of "abstinence"

Since this blog is started only on August, readers may not know much about Olive. She is my girl friend.

Now Olive is a tall gal - but she is hellava skinny. I like to tease her tat her neh-neh is so flat - like roti prata (and without egg some more). In fact, i commented that my ah pui cousin's man boobs is bigger than hers.

Olive in turn likes to comment on my receding hairline and my pathetic attempts at a combover (told me not to waste time - simply use kiwi shoe polish to go over the bald spots).

Olive also harps on about my looks or lack of it thereof. She says tat even Wayne Rooney is handsomer than me. (Now THAT is an insult, how can that Shrek lookalike be better looking than yours truly?).

Olive also likes to pick on my dress sense. She says: "pull your pants any higher up your waist you won't be needing a belt - but a dog collar".

Anyway the backdrop of today's post is tat Olive has got the flu bug since last two weeks. As a result she has not been getting "it".  Now that she has convalesced and feeling better, she wants some groin action.

We had a hurried dinner and went back to her place. We tongued and smooched ... (thankfully Olive had her braces removed. I remember the first time we kissed. Olive had a set of chompers that can "grate coconuts". It pretty much like when you have the chinese restuarant dinner and order grouper fish - yup looks like tis..

Normally frenching is a sexy experience for us, but don't know why this time i found it very ticklish .... i giggled like a girl. Olive, whispered for me to shut up, and promptly used her index fingers to flick at my balls (know the term - 'kooti'?)

It worked like a charmed. It suppressed my giggly instincts.

Next in the foreplay menu comes the body massage (like those in Thailand's "ap nam" - turkish bath). Olive used her tits to rub over all my body. Surprisingly it felt good. I can see and feel Olive's nipple swelling. Olive's breast now looks like fired eggs, sunny side up.

At first impluse, I wanted to twist and turn her nipples as if tuning a radio. But I decide against it. I learnt from reading a women's mag that gals hate this ..... and i am afraid Olive might just retaliate by using my cock as if like "a plunger unclogging a choked sink" when she administers a handjob on me. (Come on, our Love making SOP - Standard Operating Procedure. After doing "the plumber" - I would then lick Olive's pussy exactly 15 times, she would usually shiver a little and then i put my dick inside her. 10 short stokes later, i would ejaculate.)

But tonight, given that Olive is feeling particularly randy, i decided to go off our usual SOP. err.. maybe like lick her 16 times instead of 15 ...... nope, i decided to give me more foreplay until she begs me to penetrate her.

I decided to literally seduce her from top to toe. Yes, I am being very literal here. I patted Olive on top of her head to 'start' my seduction (i intend to end my session by licking her toes: see .... top to toe seduction huh ...).

In my deepest, sexiest voice I told Olive to "close your eyes - and as preventive measure also take out contact lens as i might lick your eye lids".

Surprising Olive demurred and have none of the verbal comeback.

Taking my Top to Toe technique literally, after patting Olive's head, i started licking Olive's forehead. How was I to know tat forehead licking not sexy - sometimes when i do the homer simpson and smash my palms on my forehead and go "doh"! - sensation quite shoik what.

"what are doing? .... why got so much saliva one ... dripping down my eye you know" Olive said.

As she uttered these words, she opened her eyes and lifted her head.

Olive's sudden 'jerk' of her head as she lifted her head was timed to perfection. Her forehead hit the bottom of my chin as just as i was licking her. Forehead hit chin. Chin hit mouth. Mouth slammed shut suddenly just as I was licking. I accidently bit my tongue.

Blood started oozing ....

"Sorry sorry dear dear, i don't mean it" said olive after surveying my injury.

"wah liao, like that cannot lick you down there ......" (btw, I once described the experience of licking down there as - "smells like fish, taste like 100 plus")

 "Never mind. I give you handjob and you quickly enter", Olive said.

Next thing I know, its "the Plumber".

Skipping the usual "15 licks", I ploughed my little kuku jiao into Olive's surprisingly wet love hole.

Few a short stroke later - i came.

And the last words before I came: "better faster come. i can taste the blood in my mouth already ...... and it is not mesus"

Assault Case - My Office Lau Hiao

Today i very the cham….. my office Lau Hiao wear this blouse tat show her cleavage whenever she bends down. Not only can I see the “long-kang” of her droopy neh neh, I can see all the way to her skin coloured bra (bet you its 4 pieces for $10, made in China brand type!).

To make it lagi 倒霉, apparantly Lao Hiao never apply powder at her neh neh evenly, there is patch of caked-up powder right in between her cleavage. i tried to avoid it, but suay suay kena tis visual assault..

Plus lagi cham, lagi 倒霉 today being a slow office day, everybody being so free - Lau Hiao kept coming to my desk to talk cock.

i pretended to be busy just to avoid my eyes being blinded by that horrible sight of Lau Hiao cleavage.

Originally I wanted surf some sexy sites, but I decided against it. I am afraid tat sekali I ill feel aroused and start rubbing my dick subconsciously. What if Lau Hiao happen see tat and think tat i kena mesmerize by her neh neh .... she may just pulled up her skirt and “ka kui kui” (leg open) to purposely show me "zaogeng". if that happens, appetite for lunch surely gone.

My Office Lau Hiao ever told me she that she sometimes wear g-string. And she proudly mentioned that the g-string is so thin that its almost like dental floss.

(I candidly told her tat white messy 'CB hair' peeking out of a lau kway bu's g-string is a "horror show". I meant it. But Lau Hiao apparently think that it is a joke!)

Now my office Lau Hiao is a character. She is in her mid to late forties but dresses like a siao mei mei (little gal). Once she came prancing and skipping into the office wearing a short mini flared out skirt. I prayed tat office fan would not billow and blow up her skirt. But it did. It revealed a panty with a cartoon character on it!

It is, I think (as I dare not look closely) Doraemon – known also as “xiao ding dang” in these parts. This is just great:  A comic "Xiao Ding Dang” pussy on a “Xiao Ting Tong” (crazy woman) pussy!

Lau Hiao also likes to stick out her tongue to act cute ......  dam disgusting. it literally give me goose bumps!

The Office Lau Hiao also got disgusting habits. She once wrapped up her sanitary pad --- shouldn’t she be menopausal at this age? ---- in a MacDonald’s hamburger wrapper. She place sanitary burger inside a paper bag and accidentally left it near the office pantry waste bin. Office coffee lady saw it and picked it up. She asked whose MacDonald’s tah bao does it belongs to. Cheapskate Andrew, my office colleague, say that it is his …. and he got a free “Happy Meal” as his reward! (Deserved it you cheapskate bastard!)

Definition of a Lao Hero (The "uncle" hero)

In my work place I have been called "Lau Hero". Normally the word 'hero' denotes a positive attribute - one tat is has the higher moral standard than those tat surround him - and tat he has to lift up to that moral standard even if its to his own personal detriment.

But in my personal life, where got so chim. For a flippant, immoral guy who life's pursuit is 'pleasure of the flesh' - the "heroic" properties take on another life dimension.

A lao hero is one who is simply daring - almost foolhardy. He can't be assed about what others' think of him. Most probably the lao hero is so densed that he doesn't even know or care that others are laugh AT him anyway!

(A foolhardy is person who gambles his life savings on a football bet. He is confident because an Indian Fortune Teller Bird, (named Mani) "revealed" to him the winning team ........

talking abt Mani and foolishly following its advice, ....... hmmmm wonder how "Kentucky Fried Parrot" taste likes......   

At work, when the boss gives an unreasonable order or made a stupid comment - you can rely on the fact the Lao Hero will open his CB mouth to pass a remark or suggestion. And you can bet his remarks -suggestions will be even dumber than the bosses' comments. (The Lao hero thinks that the shaking of one's head, or slapping of the palms of the forehead and chorus of "wah lan-wah liao" are analoguous to applause)

Other derring do of a Lau Hero involve simple things. Such as like during 'mah-jong' when got "Kou-cheong", the lao hero is expected to discard the the 'forbidden mahjong card' and has to pay for everyone game.

The Lau hero is also the aging romeo. It is particularly funny if he plays the romeo on a "lau hiao" ("no spring chicken" - aging aunty looking bitch who still dresses provocatively).

Good luck to you if you happen to catch a zaogeng, upskirt or peekaboo of a lau hiao. Its dam disgusting and a nightmare. (Even Lao heros are advised not to throw the "forbidden mahjong card" if he accidently see a Lao Hiao's panties.).

The Lao Hero is also famous for his fashion faux pas. For example , this uncle's Fashion sense so lao-yah, tat even ah soh at market comment my colour combination.

I once wore an Orange T-shirt with Green Bermudas and blue slippers which invited an ah soh to remark tat my dressing "cannot match".

What is ridiculous is tat the ah soh who made this comment thinks tat to douse oneself with hong u is the same as spraying yourself with perfume. The bitch actually thinks tat "hong u" is like Chanel No 5 perfume - she literally doused herself with "hong u" and think she smell good.

Anyway I am cheapskate. I thot if got headache, i need only to go near her and smell her - save money as no need to buy hong u medicated oil. But KNS (which means "Kan Na Sai" or "like shit" literally) .... what I didn't realise is tat everyone got personal bawu  - and that when combined wrongly (with hong u) emit a smell worse than shit. The first time i sniffed the aunty because I want to save money on Hong U, I vomitted.

Now that you know what a lau hero is, I will tell you about how i lived up to my billing as a lau hero....... stay tuned folks!

The "Give Me Free I Aso Don't Want" Syndrome

Okay, i have often encountered this "Give Me Free I Also Don't Want" Syndrome in my cheong circles - sorry Olive (my Gf) - your baby is a lil naughty sometimes - as they say: "Nan Ren Bu Huai, Nu Ren Bu Ai" (woman love a Bad Boy).

What is the GMFIADW Syndrome? It is basically, a rating for a girls' appearance. If the gals do not light my fire (which is very very subjective), some men would invariably go  - "wah lao, look like monkey - GMFIADW". (In other words, if the 'ugly' looking gal proffered them her love-hole, they would reject it outright).

This is to as if to convey tat they got 'standards'. As if their little didi is discerning and want only the best.

Sometimes it becomes ludicrous. When Ris Low was Miss Singapore, got several friends of mine say she so ugly, GMFIADW. The same guys also say tat the present Miss Singapore look like a trans (now tis is something i agree - but if she "gives" me, I take.

Come on, I am so low class tat as long as it is a woman, i can consider. Once I even buaya a kopi tiam aunty beer promoter, and she actually took out her dentures when she gives me BJ.!

Now for those GMFIADW people, if you look like Brad Pitt, i will lan lan just shuddup. But KNN, some of the people who made comment this shud take a look in the mirror.

The most incredible case is a friend of mine with a comb-over so bad, pot belly like eight months pregnants, sweat stained shirt, smoke stained teeth, and spurts of hair on his lips he called a 'moustache' can also pass the GMFIADW comment for Ris Low.

You may say that maybe he got money - but he hasn't. He free-loads ciggy and folds arm whenever bill comes ......I scarcastically say everytime bills come - "sir stamford raffles will make is his appearance soon".

So please ah, gentleman, next time before you say GMFIADW, look again in the mirror:

* If your man-boobs bigger than B cup size bra, got less hair than Zidine Zidane, got more pock marks and craters than mark lee, got a more  Lao Lan face than Cao Guo Hui, dick shorter than sushi roll .... or all of the above .......

if ever the gal is so stupid as to offer her love-hole. grab it and be thankful .... u just tiok lottery!

(* does not apply to monied dudes - you can have all of the above plus BO & flatulance problem also okay. not only will be ladies, but i will aso call u charming ..... dam boot-licker i am!)

My Very First Phone Sex

Yesterday I had my very first "Phone Sex "with my Girl Friend, Olive.

The contents of which are posted below:

When i called olive, these are the first words she uttered:

Olive: "CB Kia, you promised to ta-bao porridge for me but forget. i hungry liao waiting for you".

(Olive was on MC (sick-leave) and convalscing at home. And yes, "CB Kia" were indeed the first Term of Endearment she use on me.)

Me: "dear dear me never forget. just left work only (i lied). u know tat my boss target underperforming staff and micro-manage them wat"

(true. but apparently not for me tis month. if me not considered underperforming then my company sibei jialat)

Me: "but u say u feeling better wat .... anyway wat porridge u want, i go to 长城 (near smith street) all the way for u okay?"

(me thinks: ..... please don't say okay, as i frankly sian to take taxi to go there all the way - and some more so "ex" the food).

Olive: "never mind lah. by the time wait for u buy, i starve and die. i already eat toast and milo."

Me:: "Milo and toast enuff? u so thin still eat so little, wait prata neh neh also disappear"

(yes, olive's neh neh worst than mosquito bites - like two pieces of prata stuck onto her chest like tat. and its prata without egg some more!)

Olive: (laughs) "u eat already or not? i watching YOG closing ceremony on tv"

Me: "u got 'oh yeh. oh yeh. oh yeh. HEY!' or not?"

Olive: "ceremony finish liao. hey, i thot u coming over to my place to see me. i still not 100% okay"

(Olive, tho feeling better, is not 100% recovered from her fever)

Me: "all the way just to see yur beautiful face .... will do so darling ......"

Olive: "kns ...... no need lah"

(women ah, just love to hear sweet words, even if it is obviously a lie. i say such "beautiful words because i wanted to get Olive in the mood).

Me: "but when i tink of your sweet beauty i suddenly arouse leh ...... wanna talk dirty with me?"

Olive: "u 发疯 (go mad) ah. got bitten by mad dog? see yur lao hiao colleague zaogeng is it?"

(in my office got a bladdy lao hiao colleague - late forties dress so short, make up like as if Peking Opera troop. one fine day, she accidently zaogeng, i saw china made grandma panties probably bought from lelong at pasir malam..... it cud be worse, she cud be wearing g-string ..... (vomit!))

Me: "don't spoil my dirty thots for u baby with the image of tat hiao bitch ..... i just wanna put my dick in yur mouth"

(i thot it is best to be direct and talk dirty to olive in my sexy "deep voice" - i purposely 'kek' my voice to sound macho. but i tink i sound like those ah qua at orchard towers)

Olive: (laughs) "i eat toast only, nothing caught my teeth, so don't need toothpick"

(yes, olive just referred my dick as "toothpick" size .... which is fairly accurate .... afterall Olive can still nag me while administering a BJ)

Me: "be serious bitch ... or else i spank u"

Olive: "oooooo ...... so caveman. i like."

(tis was said in a scarcastic tone not a sexy sultry way).

Me: "wah say, talk like tat lembek liao ...... come on make some sexy moans for me ...."

Olive: "okay ...... oooohhh ..... ooohhhh .... give it to me ....... oooh ...... oooh .....)

(the bladdy "oooooooh ..... oooooh" sound Olive makes is not sexy. its like the sound a gorilla makes)

Me: "okay, mood gone liao"

with tat it concludes my first "phone sex" with Olive ...... oooh oooh oooh indeed ..... sheeeezzzzz!